Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
40s are totally the cure
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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