if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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