just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
