Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
They have beer where we have blood.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
