I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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