I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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