At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
