our cab driver is having phone sex.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
