I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
