Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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