Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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