its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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