I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you traded sex for a burrito?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
