If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
