it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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