She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
