True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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