I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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