I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
