I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
