I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
