R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
