Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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