My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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