The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
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i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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