I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.