It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.