I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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