Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
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It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
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That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.