I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket