Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
