I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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