bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
