watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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