my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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