Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
