Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
