Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
