Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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