So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
