Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
