My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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