I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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