I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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