Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
