Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
