I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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