I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
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he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
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I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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