I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
