DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
