high people should be assigned attendants
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
