Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
