then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
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Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.