i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My vagina is very pro this idea
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
