Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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