i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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