Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
this hospital has no fireball
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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