he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
