I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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