my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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